Full Course Description

Breakthrough Results with Difficult Men: Terry Real on Working with Narcissists, Bullies, Boy-Men and Avoidants

Program Information

Outline

Session 1 - Straight Talk, Hard Truths and An Open Heart

Evolution of masculinity – the challenge of power
Development of relational approach – relationship to psychodynamic therapy
- Therapist as relational, self-disclosing individual
Addressing relative individual involvement in couple pathology
Traditional concepts of patriarchy – benefits of egalitarian relationships
Current trauma and neuropsychological approaches and limitations of the research in couples work
- Adaptive approaches become counterproductive with age
Increasing intimacy and sensitivity without feminization
- Influence of culture and “me too” movement
- Challenging myths of masculinity and femininity
Relational Life Therapy approach to managing male withdrawal and intimidation
- Confronting grandiosity and privilege
- Establishing leverage and power
- Accepting intimacy and gains when offered
Primary types of difficult men – boy-man, bully, narcissist, avoidant
- Gratification and relational joy
- Pursuant-avoidant relational dynamic
Characteristics of effective Relational Life Therapy therapists – balancing power and nurturance

Session 2 - An Abusive Bully Faces His Own Trauma

Working to increase intimacy
- Dynamic of interaction – rage vs silence
- Making realities collide
Evaluating relative positions – selecting specific points of intervention
- Beginning with positive vision, evaluation of relational stance
- Moving from complaint to request
Approaches to confrontation – preparing and asking permission
- Addressing affective dissonance
- Breaking up the dance – searching for something new
- Monitoring reactions to confrontation – modulating affect
Diagnostic phase of interview – assessing reactions
- Siding with conflicting perceptions
- Role of therapist in session – necessity of personal investment
- Reactive anger vs characterological anger
Control and dependency in abusive relationships
- Roots in family of origin – adaptive nature of stance
- Facilitating trust and open expression
- Parallels with trauma work – empathic reversal
- Impact of prior trauma on current relationship – role of abandonment feelings
Approaches to wounded child, adaptive child and functional adult roles
Basic phases of Relational Life Therapy – therapist stance
When one partner is damaged – adjunctive care options
Closing sessions – summary and closure

Session 3 - A Shaming Dad Discovers a New Way to Parent

Confronting hopelessness – identifying map for treatment
- RLT is a post patriarchal therapy – deconstructing masculinity
Attending to two realities – identifying point of leverage and intervention
- Therapist willingness to identify problematic behavior and take sides
Working effectively with grandiose individuals – confronting ego syntonic behaviors
- Diagnosis and setting the stage for intervention
- Identifying discord and negative aspects of parenting styles – costs of shaming
- Forming alliance with the best part of the man – warm regard, logical presentation
Moving from observer to coach - preparing transition toward family of origin
- Development of adaptive child role – reaction to power
- Converting shame to grandiosity – central motif of masculinity
Authoritarian vs democratic parenting styles
- Identification with abusive parent
Therapeutic and selective use of attunement, confrontation and nurturing
Dealing with the family pathology of toxic masculinity
Clarifying consequences – harsh realities delivered in the context of therapeutic alliance
Prescription of concrete skills and interactions
Therapist transparency – expression of emotion

Session 4 – A Selfish Boy-Man Gets a Lesson in Empathy

Family of origin as source of dysfunction – avoiding blame
RLT diagnostic technique and pacing
Responding to negative interactions in session
- Appropriate discrepancy to allow both alliance and change
- Using attention to reinforce and compel engagement
Use of self in therapy – freedom of expression
- Establishing trust with truth and authenticity
Video demonstration – implementing confrontation
- Countering evasions, “slippery moves” from participants
- Meeting momentum with countermomentum – making realities collide
- Role of psychoeducation – developing concrete relational skills
Empathic reversal – identification with perpetrator
Using different language to speak to functional adult, adaptive child, wounded child
Three types of Narcissism – proper, hysterical, obsessive-compulsive
Language of the moment – the charm of precision
- Effective confrontation
Privileged obliviousness – undoing patriarchy one couple at a time
- Remedial empathy – sensitivity training
- Acting as client agent
- Gender differences in couple therapy
Closing therapy – relieving responsibility, offering confidence and hope
- Follow up report – divorce proceedings

Session 5 – An Avoidant Man Learns to Show Up

Addressing avoidance in couple relationship
- Establishing agreement about engaging in conflict
- Family of origin influences – harsh and remote parenting as source of avoidance
Type 1 and 2 love avoidance – neglect vs enmeshment in family of origin
- Reactivity to issues of control, judgement or contempt
Framing interventions to deepen connection and understanding
Unblending adaptive child from adult – empathy and self-disclosure
- Normalizing the avoidant dynamic – seeking openness, new patterns
- Facilitating adoption of new patterns of relationship – coaching
Negotiating a structure for effective communication
- The four steps of the feedback wheel – occurrence, affect, cognition, request
Therapy pacing – moving through levels and modes of engagement
Types of resistant clients and methods of approach
Inner child work – connecting adaptive child with functional adult
- Relationship between RLT and Internal Family Systems – shared and differing goals
- Working with adaptive child vs wounded child – relational focus vs healing the inner child
Do’s and don’t’s of the RLT approach
- Countering empathic reversal – caring for the wounded child
Type 1 and Type 2 love avoidant individuals – sources of threat
Addressing the wounded child – protection from the functional adult
Evaluating and sustaining gains – maintaining the energy

Objectives

Differentiate Relational Life Therapy from traditional couple therapy approaches.
Characterize the four primary styles of male dysfunction in couple relationships.
Prioritize adjunctive interventions when one partner is damaged by prior trauma.
Demonstrate each partner’s stance into their family of origin, working with childhood trauma in front of one another.
Effectively communicate treatment goals and necessary therapeutic steps to couples.
Discover how to have the confidence to trust your own intuition and training in a session with a couple.
Conceptualize traditional toxic masculinity and methods to counteract intergenerational transmission.
Prescribe concrete behavioral instructions to improve couple relationships and parenting skills
Identify the systemic dynamic, the repeating vicious circle, couples become stuck in.
Discriminate between the three types of narcissism and choose appropriate strategies of intervention.
Recognize each partner’s self-defeating stance (angry pursuer) and their contribution to the dynamic between them.
Anticipate negative reactions in therapy and structure responses that reinforce and compel engagement.
Use a psycho-educational approach to intimacy and precisely unearthing and prescribing what right would look like.
Categorize the parts of wounded child, adaptive child and functional adult and organize appropriate approaches to each.

BONUS: Gender Roles in Marriage: How They've Changed

OBJECTIVES

Explain why polarity and sexual tension are essential to the health of romantic relationships.

OUTLINE

Explain why polarity and sexual tension are essential to the health of romantic relationships.
- Exciting sex naturally involves a good amount of dominance, submission, and power
- Women like men who do manly things, although they don’t want to be oppressed by it
- Polarity emphasizes clear definitions of what it means to be a man and a woman, in line with predominant social constructions
- “Soft” men are usually seen as less desirable; many women prefer a natural aggressiveness in sexual matters
Identify the three phases Terry says are necessary for women to get what they want out of relationships with men.
- Daring to rock the boat: being upfront and confrontational about your needs and desires
- Helping him out: teaching your partner how to be your partner
- Making it worth his while: reducing complaining and giving positive reinforcement and encouragement
Describe three ways in which Millennials have reinterpreted gender roles.
- Millennials are especially gender progressive
- Millennial women aren’t pushing for a worthwhile career, they expect a worthwhile career
- Millennial men are more comfortable performing tasks traditionally allotted for women, such as raising children and doing housework
- Millennial men are more expressive and emotional, attributes traditionally associated with women